never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
