Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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