Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
