so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
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The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
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Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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