I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
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My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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