we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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