I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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