I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
