party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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