Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
