Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
