So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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