In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
