i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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