i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
