he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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