well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
