so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
