just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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