I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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