how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
