the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
