meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
