"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
