If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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