I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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