i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
