Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
