you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
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Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
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I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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