He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
