Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My penis needs a shock collar
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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