The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
