it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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