i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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