You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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