Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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