He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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