I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
