I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
