I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
