someone owes me an orgasm
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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