the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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