Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
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He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
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I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
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