is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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