how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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