I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
