Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
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We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
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No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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