I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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