I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
