I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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