enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
