So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
