you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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