Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
