I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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