I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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