went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
