Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
