my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
